Sunday, July 15, 2007

I am addicted to the food network

My name is Pansy and I am an addict.

I have grown addicted to Food Porn.

The Food Network is the epitome of Food Porn. When you think about it, there is precious little information on the shows: no tips and tricks that would inform you a la Julia Child. Just a spate of shows where people in various states of atractiveness make dishes in gorgeous kitchens (either their own, like Paula Deen or Nigella Lawson or in a rented house, like Giada DiLaurentis or Ina Garten) using foodie code words like "meyer lemon". Now, as devoted foodies, we all know that a meyer lemon is indeed not a real lemon, but a hybrid of a lemon and a mandarin orange or tangerine. But it's constant appearance lately on the Food Network and on Bravo's nigh unto unwatchable "Top Chef" (where contestants are asked to create dinner for fifty using meyer lemon, cheez whiz and a kitchen match in ten minutes and then dissed for not being gourmet) makes it the Balsamic vinegar of the Oughts.

But I digress..

What makes most of the shows on the Food Network porn is the way it's filmed: a berry tart is lit and filmed in such succulent soft-focus Marlene Dietrich would be pea-green with envy. Nigella Lawson seperates her impossibly saffron-colored egg yolks in her lovely hands, with cuts to the look of transportive happiness on her beautiful face. Ina Garten toodles around a magically tourist-free East Hampton in her BMW convertible, picking up fresh bread or berries or apples from the locals, all of whom greet her by name so that she can whip up some lovely looking dish for her loving husband or hot Gay neighbor or the historical society. Giada DiLaurentis (all 12 pounds of her) whips up mounds of gorgeous semi-Italian meals while her husband bikes in the Santa Monica mountains when she's not maundering around Rome shopping for shoes and Gelato. Paula Deen does her good-ole-girl bit, making us think that perhaps a diet based upon mayo and butter is not such a bad idea.

There are of course far less successful shows on that network: I am not going to be one of those who diss Rachael Ray. Yes, the experienced cook will know that some of her meals will take thirty minutes only if served raw, but really, if she gets three people into the kitchen that's a good thing, right? Semi-Homemade with whatsherteeth (I've blocked it out) is far worse: I've seen about 5 episodes of that show and I swear that three of them involved desserts made from variations on the theme of store-bought angel cake, canned pie filling and canned frosting. No wonder she always has a strong drink recipe; I'd have to have a few stiff belts before sending that corn-syrup horror out to anyone I didn't actively despise. Speaking of a few stiff belts, the new show "Simply Delicioso" had a first episode involving a picnic on a boat. Fine, but the hostess made jello-shots and served both that and beer. To the pilot of the boat. I don't know the laws in Miami, but in California they actually run ads letting you know that boating and boozing is treated with the same wink and nod as drinking and driving: fines, jail time and the revocation of you license.

Having written this, I am still addicted. I will cheerfully sit through a "Nigella Feasts" that I have seen about six times and bask in Ms. Lawsons nutmeggy glow. I seriously want Ina Garten to adopt me or failing that, at least give me the hot Gay neighbors digits. I want Giada's diet tips. Or her metabolism. Certainly her dentist.

So here I am, Food Porn Addict. At least the schedule's changed and Nigella is on at 10:30. I might even get out of the house today....

6 comments:

pitbull friend said...

Ah, Tom, I knew there was a reason why I don't have cable. I've always figured that between that and Animal Planet I'd be unbudgeable. (Used to think C-SPAN, but I no longer want to see what those yahoos are saying.) Lovely post & thanks for telling me what I'm missing! --Ellen

tmp00 said...

Animal Planet I simply cannot watch- they're always having Animal Cop show with some poor abused dog or cat that is facing incredible odds of survival, and I just want to cry, or explode, or run amok.

C-Span is depressing.

Modern Marvels on the History Channel is riveting however. I was mesmerized the other day by the show about the construction of the George Washington bridge. Perhaps because I am a geek...

Colombina (Marina) said...

I am a fellow addict. I worship at the altar of Nigella. I even DVR her program, so as not to miss anything. :-) I do still love Top Chef too though.

tmp00 said...

Top Chef got too many "cooks" this time and nobody who is as memorable venal as baby wolverine and the closet-case who finally won.

Although the really tall guy is pretty cute...

katiedid said...

Semi-Homemade is hosted by Sandra Lee. She simultaneously repels and fascinates me. Truly. One of her recipes entailed coating perfectly innocent corn-on-the-cob with a packet of cheese powder from a box of Kraft Mac n' Cheese. I can't imagine how anyone would think of such a thing unless they hated eating. And yet, she has a cooking show. She also seems to enjoy adding salt to canned soups - because god knows those things aren't salty enough. Then there was her recipe for chip dip, whereby you add sour cream... to a tub of chip dip.

Ooh, and her horrifyingly awful tablescapes! They're the best.

tmp00 said...

I actually did know her name, I was being extra-snarky about her. She is sadly on in prime viewing time for me 5:30 pm: I usually get home for the desserts (oy) and the tablescapes (yikes) and the copious amounts of booze she serves. I swear she catered a birthday party for a ten year old and served Tequila...